HOMER vs. LISA QUOTES
#17 Orphan Talk [Lisa is worried about her science project]
Homer: Lisa, all you need is a little help from your dad.
Lisa: Well, we're supposed to do this without parental help.
Homer: Sweetie, that's orphan talk.
Lisa: That's Latin dad; the language of Plutarch.
Homer: Mickey Mouse's dog?
Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.
Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well, I think the veal died of loneliness.
Homer: I'll never wiggle my bare butt it public again
Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time, I really would.
Lisa: Look on the bright side, Dad. Did you know that the Chinese use the same word for "crisis" as they do for "opportunity"?
Homer: Yes! Cris-atunity.
Homer: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there.
Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.
Lisa: Watch it, Dad, you're the highly suggestible type.
Homer: [in addled complete agreement] Yes, I am the highly suggestible type.
Lisa: [about her state costume] I'm a monster!
Homer: No, Lisa, you're not a monster. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother, and I call him Gamblor! We must save your mother from his neon claws!
#8 John Deere
Lisa: I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll get a brand new protractor.
Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm.
Lisa: Oh, if I fail I won't even be able to get into Harvard. (Bitterly): At THIS rate I won’t even get into Vassar.
Homer: I've had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady!
Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man...[laughs hysterically]
Homer: So to answer your question, I don't know.
#5 Whiskey Bottle
Homer: You have to take all that rage and push it down inside to be released at the right moment, like when Daddy hit that referee in the head with a whiskey bottle. Do you remember that honey? When Daddy hit the referee with the whiskey bottle?
Lisa: (small voice) Yeah
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
#3 Picking Many a Bean [This one works because of their tones of voice]
Homer: [sarcastic] All right, Lisa, you got your way. Your Mom's going to a psychiatrist. She's going to tell Marge to leave me. It'll break up the family and you'll have to live with your grandmother and pick beans.
Lisa: Dad, I like picking beans with Gramma.
Homer: Well, keep it up, then.
Lisa: [sarcastic] OK, I will.
Homer: Good. You do that.
Homer: You'll be picking many a bean.
Lisa: Hope I do.
Lisa: Relax? I can't relax. Nor can I yield, relent, or... Only two synonyms? Oh my God, I'm losing my perspicacity. Aaaaa!
Homer: Well, it's always in the last place you look.
And the Number one Homer/Lisa quote….
Ma Simpson: [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man...
Lisa: No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.
Homer: OK, eight.
Lisa: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?
Homer: Do “I” know what "rhetorical" means?